"I needed to become a true devil to defeat Dante," he says, as plainly as he can to confirm her understanding. Vergil had little to live for at that point, but he could not live with all that happened to him. His body was failing him, crumbling and leaving him increasingly helpless almost as a physical manifestation of all his failures prior. The only way that he could save himself, any part of himself but particularly the part of himself that seemed to matter most was by removing every nightmare he'd ever had, every weakness, every failure. Every possible way in which his strength could fail him had to be excised. "At the time I thought—..."
He purses his lips, cutting himself off. It's difficult to explain now to someone else what was going through his mind at the time even if he understands and knows what was true. He had lost to Dante when he fell into the Underworld. He suffered yet another defeat as Nelo Angelo. Vergil could not let it stand that he was weak and helpless, lesser than his brother in every way that mattered to him. Not when it still felt that Dante had never known the loss and pain and grief that Vergil had, and not fought for every scrap that he had. But that was not what truly laid within his heart. He wanted his power and his strength returned to him, of course. He could not die the weaker and lesser son of Sparda. But he had been too afraid to accept what he truly wanted. Just as he always had been.
Vergil finally pulls his gaze back to Mizu. Forcing himself to look at her, although that look that was there in his eyes a moment ago has been forced back as well.
"My time as human showed me how wrong I had been. I could finally see how much I had thrown away and ruined in my pursuit of power. But I could not right those wrongs on my own." V did not possess the strength to defeat Urizen while the demon king was reliant upon the Qliphoth as part of his continued existence. He needed Dante to intervene, and he needed Nero as a contingency should Vergil's aims have succeeded and ultimately overwhelmed his twin. He's quiet a moment, gaze lowering for a brief moment before he looks to Mizu again. He reaches for her hand finally, just his fingertips finding hers tentatively. "I still cannot even as I am now."
Vergil is not speaking of the mayhem he's wrought on the human world in his pursuit of power. The portals that opened to the demon world and even the Qliphoth tree were ultimately all things that were within his power to act upon and manage. Dante did not need to follow Vergil to the Underworld to sever the roots or to close the portal, and Vergil told him as much before they began the task. It is everything else that he means. The harm and hurt he's caused his son (and his brother). The time he lost and the life he very nearly never had a chance to live. The isolation he imposed upon himself in thinking there was no other way, in thinking he could not stand nor bear the weight of grief again. Vergil is a man saved, but he could not begin to argue that he is a man found. He is constantly still so lost within the maelstrom of his emotions, feelings and connections that he has not permitted himself in decades. If anyone were to ask him what he wants, what future he seeks, Vergil isn't certain he could truly provide an answer. Not enough of one that gives the notion there's altogether much in his mind's eye beyond the immediate because it's all he's ever known. It's all he's ever dared to reach for.
And he is certainly not a man redeemed.
But he wants to be. He wants to be a man that was brave enough to face his fears instead of constantly running from them. He wants to be a man who both loved and was loved. He wants to be the brother that Dante has always needed and wanted and deserved, and he wants to be the father Nero needs him to be. He wants to be strong enough to have what he wants and to keep it protected. But these are not things he can do on his own, in any semblance of isolation.
Vergil does not know if Mizu understands what he means entirely. It's possible that the implication passes her by entirely, or that she recognizes it, but rejects it entirely. Neither would particularly surprise Vergil if either is the case given what he knows she tends to think of herself and how she's responded to such comments from him before. But he has had to start somewhere. Regardless of how she perceives herself, she cannot deny that. And whether she accepts his feelings as they are or not, she also cannot ultimately deny that it was here and between them that Vergil started. That some part of him that wanted began to want again, and he allowed it. Under a tight control and not without a significant amount of anxiety and doubt, and needing ample time to think it through, but he allowed himself to pursue something he wanted all the same.
And it gives him the strength now to pursue what he wants with his son, with his brother. No matter how difficult it may be, and how much Vergil may need to confront and wrestle with. He is not willing to give up on it now. Not so easily.
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He purses his lips, cutting himself off. It's difficult to explain now to someone else what was going through his mind at the time even if he understands and knows what was true. He had lost to Dante when he fell into the Underworld. He suffered yet another defeat as Nelo Angelo. Vergil could not let it stand that he was weak and helpless, lesser than his brother in every way that mattered to him. Not when it still felt that Dante had never known the loss and pain and grief that Vergil had, and not fought for every scrap that he had. But that was not what truly laid within his heart. He wanted his power and his strength returned to him, of course. He could not die the weaker and lesser son of Sparda. But he had been too afraid to accept what he truly wanted. Just as he always had been.
Vergil finally pulls his gaze back to Mizu. Forcing himself to look at her, although that look that was there in his eyes a moment ago has been forced back as well.
"My time as human showed me how wrong I had been. I could finally see how much I had thrown away and ruined in my pursuit of power. But I could not right those wrongs on my own." V did not possess the strength to defeat Urizen while the demon king was reliant upon the Qliphoth as part of his continued existence. He needed Dante to intervene, and he needed Nero as a contingency should Vergil's aims have succeeded and ultimately overwhelmed his twin. He's quiet a moment, gaze lowering for a brief moment before he looks to Mizu again. He reaches for her hand finally, just his fingertips finding hers tentatively. "I still cannot even as I am now."
Vergil is not speaking of the mayhem he's wrought on the human world in his pursuit of power. The portals that opened to the demon world and even the Qliphoth tree were ultimately all things that were within his power to act upon and manage. Dante did not need to follow Vergil to the Underworld to sever the roots or to close the portal, and Vergil told him as much before they began the task. It is everything else that he means. The harm and hurt he's caused his son (and his brother). The time he lost and the life he very nearly never had a chance to live. The isolation he imposed upon himself in thinking there was no other way, in thinking he could not stand nor bear the weight of grief again. Vergil is a man saved, but he could not begin to argue that he is a man found. He is constantly still so lost within the maelstrom of his emotions, feelings and connections that he has not permitted himself in decades. If anyone were to ask him what he wants, what future he seeks, Vergil isn't certain he could truly provide an answer. Not enough of one that gives the notion there's altogether much in his mind's eye beyond the immediate because it's all he's ever known. It's all he's ever dared to reach for.
And he is certainly not a man redeemed.
But he wants to be. He wants to be a man that was brave enough to face his fears instead of constantly running from them. He wants to be a man who both loved and was loved. He wants to be the brother that Dante has always needed and wanted and deserved, and he wants to be the father Nero needs him to be. He wants to be strong enough to have what he wants and to keep it protected. But these are not things he can do on his own, in any semblance of isolation.
Vergil does not know if Mizu understands what he means entirely. It's possible that the implication passes her by entirely, or that she recognizes it, but rejects it entirely. Neither would particularly surprise Vergil if either is the case given what he knows she tends to think of herself and how she's responded to such comments from him before. But he has had to start somewhere. Regardless of how she perceives herself, she cannot deny that. And whether she accepts his feelings as they are or not, she also cannot ultimately deny that it was here and between them that Vergil started. That some part of him that wanted began to want again, and he allowed it. Under a tight control and not without a significant amount of anxiety and doubt, and needing ample time to think it through, but he allowed himself to pursue something he wanted all the same.
And it gives him the strength now to pursue what he wants with his son, with his brother. No matter how difficult it may be, and how much Vergil may need to confront and wrestle with. He is not willing to give up on it now. Not so easily.