I understand. Just the word 'want' alone usually implies some sort of taking, in any context. The first time I engaged in such behavior after the control it was much less about any desire to have sex and more about the desire to prove I could choose to if I wanted. And I am not yet in a place - well, honestly, I do not expect that I will ever be in a place that my choices in that area of my life are made entirely free of the influence of the past.
I do not think you damaged, for whatever that is worth. I think this, waiting and choosing not to engage, a logical reaction to the circumstances. That is where some of us landed and stayed. Others could not seek out physical pleasure quickly enough. For me, the desire is something heavily compartmentalized and rarely acted on with another person involved.
cw autonomy trauma, blanket for probably the rest of the thread tbh
I do not think you damaged, for whatever that is worth. I think this, waiting and choosing not to engage, a logical reaction to the circumstances. That is where some of us landed and stayed. Others could not seek out physical pleasure quickly enough. For me, the desire is something heavily compartmentalized and rarely acted on with another person involved.