texts from folkmore; tffm

[folkie]

Texts From Last Night

Welcome to Folkmore's Texts From Last Night meme! This meme can be used as a branch off from our Test Drive Memes and be used as game canon or just for casual fun in the setting! You do not need to be in our game or be invited to play on our TFLN. This can be a great way to meet current players for future invites, get a feel for the setting, or just have some fun.

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TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT GENERATOR

Comments

Re: cw autonomy trauma, blanket for probably the rest of the thread tbh

[decohere]

i dont know if it's worse to be wanted, or unwanted.
even if you were able to go through the motions with a partner, did you actually enjoy it?
how do you find fulfillment to engage, when alone? what is there to stimulate desire?

i cant pretend otherwise. there's wires crossed.
when somebody is trying to get close, it's instinctual, reflexive, to want to inflict harm rather than feel vulnerable.
somebody tried to kiss me. and i bit him.

[white_widow]

There was... satisfaction in it. It did what I needed it too, in the moment. And there was some variety of enjoyment in using my hands to illicit different reactions than usual.
Which is also one of the answers to that next question. Sometimes there is just an itch to do so, that I do not know where it comes from, either physical or mental.

I see.
Did you want to want to kiss him?

[decohere]

but in the back of your mind, did you keep thinking how easy it would be, to kill them instead? did that other instinct try to take over?
when i've tried, i could not maintain any interest. i've been in a near constant state of pain and exhaustion and fear for so long. my body hates me. it's difficult to view it as an source of pleasure. for myself or for another.

i don't know, i didn't have time to think about it properly before it happened.
or much time after either.
it was during one of those trials. on a train. he didn't do it to be romantic. just to escape.

[white_widow]

Yes. It would have been very, very easy.
Do you want to view it as a source of pleasure? Some people never want that, and that is okay.

And some people never want to be kissed, and that is also okay.
Is it something you have ever wanted, either in general or at the thought of anyone else?

[decohere]

how do you get that out of your head? or the awareness that the moment of distraction and vulnerability might end with your throat slit?

i want to be able to feel good, comfortable. in my own body, with somebody else.
and i want to experience that feeling of a proper first kiss. have it feel special. mean something.
maybe. but thinking about it too hard, the logistics. makes it all very unappealing.

[white_widow]

You find someone you trust. Not necessarily entirely and not necessarily in anything more than a physical sense. After that first time, when I wanted to explore something, I did so with someone I already knew, that I knew would not be so easy to kill, that I had reasonable evidence did not want to kill me, and that I knew also did not intend for it to become some til death type of relationship. It did not put it out of my head, exactly, but it made it easier to balance with what else was happening.
It is also easier to not focus on that thought if the sex is good. If it's bad, you're doomed.

Then you deserve to have that.
I do not know if I have had the type of proper first kiss you mean, but I think, the more the comfort comes, the more the logistics slip away.

[decohere]

i've thought before, maybe it'd be easier with somebody i did not know. no emotions to figure out or talk about. never see them again, so there's no messy aftermath. maybe if i wore my mask. didn't say anything. and then i just mentally remove myself from the whole scenario completely.

well i don't think he's interested in a redo.
honestly i can't trust myself not to bite anyone that tries to put their face in mine.

[white_widow]

You are describing exactly that first time I mentioned. Minus the mask, but obviously I did not give any real identifying information about myself.

So you would want to try kissing him specifically?
Lots of people like women who bite.

[decohere]

don't want them looking at me. apparently my face gives too much away.
there are plenty people here that i do not know. maybe i can pay one for their time and discretion.

i don't know. it happened. but not in an ideal way or circumstance. so my brain tries to correct on how it should have been done better.
... do you?

[white_widow]

I think there are other options available to you that you could exhaust before you turn to that particular one.

I understand that.
Yes.

[decohere]

all options rapidly fall apart upon further scrutiny. everything necessary it would take for me to feel comfortable and willing also makes it entirely unappealing and not worth the effort. everything i want contradicts how i want it.

but maybe ive thought it over more than i should.
... ah.

[white_widow]

You don't think obtaining what would make you feel comfortable and willing would also provide some pleasant feelings, that could make it worthwhile?
Sex aside, I found pleasure in becoming comfortable with the people around me touching me at all.

What does that 'ah' mean?

[decohere]

overthinking it and getting caught up in all the details and treating it as a mission objective undermines the overall goal of... loosening up a bit. i can't both be fully in control and also allow myself to let go for once.

i don't know.

[white_widow]

If I offer a what if or a hypothetical, is that too close to corrective actions?

Does it make you uncomfortable, now that you know that about me?

[decohere]

i guess i'd have to hear it to decide.

no. it's just... strange. knowing somebody else's preferences. when i don't even really know my own.

[white_widow]

Alright. What if you had nailed down an agreement that covered all the details you're overthinking about on one day, and that covered any future interactions, so you did not have to go over it again? Would you be able to feel like you were loosening up on day 2 and so on, since you had already set the framework?

That's understandable.

[decohere]

for everyone that wishes to interact with me? because that seems like a great way to make sure nobody ever does again.

i don't even know if i like to bite in that context, it was simply a defensive reflex. wouldn't be the first time i hurt him.

[white_widow]

No. For one person, to help... acclimate yourself. To provide some evidence that the world will not end if you let someone touch you. Probably in a smaller degree than fucking, for a while, I think that would be biting off more than you can chew.

I do not only mean biting in that context either. I mean I definitely am including biting in that context but overall it is about a certain amount of... spark in a person. Some type of fire.
You are certainly hung up on this boy in some form or another.

[decohere]

going to see how petting your dog goes first. make some assessments and adjustments from there. if i want to expand that to select persons, next.

a fire. like somebody very hot and passionate?
... no. maybe? it's the only incident i have to reference. and he's one of the few people i see on any regular basis. mostly from my window.

[white_widow]

I can see the wisdom in that.
Will you tell me what the assessments and adjustments are? I like hearing the way you think about things.
[There is a sneaking suspicion that type of compliment will go over better than previous versions have.]

Sure, at times. But more like someone who knows what it is to fight for things. Someone who is not inclined to just rolling over.
Okay.
Would you want - or want to want - other incident(s) to reference?

[decohere]

[it's indeed a compliment that Ava is far more receptive to]
thank you, i do not often like to share my thought process. bill once told me i'm like my father, in that sense, how i look at things perhaps a bit differently. and how my father was often misunderstood and criticized for his approach too.

it'd be difficult to connect with anyone that hasn't experienced being at odds with the system.

want to want, yes. but it's difficult to get past the mental block and allow myself to even explore the possibilities. even in my own head where nobody can violate my boundaries or privacy i still do not feel comfortable.

[white_widow]

Do you like that comparison to your father?

Very difficult, yes. Exactly. If not entirely impossible.

No, I understand that. I do not know what to say to help with it, but I do understand it.

[decohere]

i think so, yes. the idea that i never really got to know him that well, outside of my limited childhood perception and memories that have continued to fade despite my best efforts to cling to what i have left of them. but if i am like him in some ways, then maybe i do know him and carry on his legacy.

have you managed to make any friends. outside of... our community?

i don't either.

[white_widow]

That's good. I'm glad.

No. I have not really tried, I do not want to deal with the eventual horror. And in the last year, I have hardly talked to the few people that I do think count as friends.
Although. Just before I came here, I did meet someone who stayed friendly, even though I was there to kill one of her heroes and she knew it. That was nice for the brief time it lasted.

Well. We are neither of us stupid, so we will just have to have this conversation again until we figure something out, I think.
It is not a mess you have to deal with alone, okay? I promise.

[decohere]

but it does make me wonder what it is exactly. if it's more than just the way i was trained, why i'm so different.

so were you punishing yourself, the way you had accused me. by distancing yourself from your friends? were you afraid they could not understand what you were going through?
why are you making such efforts with me, if you were distancing yourself from others.
... what was she like?

addressing it at least feels somewhat more productive than continuing to suppress it. so i appreciate you do not view these conversations in vain.