texts from folkmore; tffm

[folkie]

Texts From Last Night

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TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT GENERATOR

Comments

cw allusion to forced sterilization

[white_widow]

[Ugh.]
I will adjust.
Those things were also not really concerns for us.

No, he is alive.

[decohere]

no. this is not something i want you to force yourself through for my sake.
it's my own mess to figure out.

oh. that's good. guess it doesn't matter if i am or not, anyway.

[white_widow]

I am not forcing myself. I am looking at the options available and choosing the one with some discomfort because that is what I want to do. Please let me.

I'm sorry I cannot answer that question for you.

[decohere]

can i at least ask why your preference to discuss this face to face?
maybe if i understand i can do my best to accommodate in return.

it's fine. there is irrelevant to my way forward here.

[white_widow]

That is fair.
It feels impersonal. Discussing these things with a person is one thing. With a screen... It feels disconnected. Less real.

I guess that is true.

[decohere]

i acknowledge the importance of this to you. if being more direct helps ease that disconnect, i will attempt to do so.

discussing my discomfort with intimacy is difficult without that barrier. i feel safer to say things i might not otherwise, without being... on the spot. because of the nature of my issues, letting my guard down enough to be fully honest with myself as well as you, is easier achieved if i have space.

we can proceed. if we both are in agreement of trying to be respectful and willing to be honest and mindful about boundaries.

[white_widow]

I understand why that would be the case for you. I can see why it helps.

We can proceed. I do prefer bluntness over euphemisms for myself, but I do not think it makes much of a difference for me which you use. Any other lines you would like to draw now?

[decohere]

maybe not a line, but to be clear of my goal: i am not looking for corrective actions at this point. but to maybe reach some level of... i don't know. feeling less threatened by the entire topic.

this isn't even fully about sex. my body hasn't felt like much of my own for a long time. i don't know anyone else who can even relate to that.

[white_widow]

That is useful to know, I will keep that in mind.

Yes, I know what you mean. It is a difficult feeling to get rid of, especially if you are trying at the same time to also stop thinking of yourself or your body as an object that someone or something has ownership over.

cw autonomy trauma

[decohere]

the language surrounding sex and relationship dynamics tend to convey ideas such as ownership, a woman's body as a thing to be acted upon and taken from. i do not like the idea of anyone viewing me with that intent.

but it's as if i'm allowing shield to still own me. as if their instruction of don't prevents me from taking back control.

and the deeper fear is that i am simply too damaged to be... involved.

cw autonomy trauma, blanket for probably the rest of the thread tbh

[white_widow]

I understand. Just the word 'want' alone usually implies some sort of taking, in any context. The first time I engaged in such behavior after the control it was much less about any desire to have sex and more about the desire to prove I could choose to if I wanted. And I am not yet in a place - well, honestly, I do not expect that I will ever be in a place that my choices in that area of my life are made entirely free of the influence of the past.

I do not think you damaged, for whatever that is worth. I think this, waiting and choosing not to engage, a logical reaction to the circumstances. That is where some of us landed and stayed. Others could not seek out physical pleasure quickly enough. For me, the desire is something heavily compartmentalized and rarely acted on with another person involved.

Re: cw autonomy trauma, blanket for probably the rest of the thread tbh

[decohere]

i dont know if it's worse to be wanted, or unwanted.
even if you were able to go through the motions with a partner, did you actually enjoy it?
how do you find fulfillment to engage, when alone? what is there to stimulate desire?

i cant pretend otherwise. there's wires crossed.
when somebody is trying to get close, it's instinctual, reflexive, to want to inflict harm rather than feel vulnerable.
somebody tried to kiss me. and i bit him.

[white_widow]

There was... satisfaction in it. It did what I needed it too, in the moment. And there was some variety of enjoyment in using my hands to illicit different reactions than usual.
Which is also one of the answers to that next question. Sometimes there is just an itch to do so, that I do not know where it comes from, either physical or mental.

I see.
Did you want to want to kiss him?

[decohere]

but in the back of your mind, did you keep thinking how easy it would be, to kill them instead? did that other instinct try to take over?
when i've tried, i could not maintain any interest. i've been in a near constant state of pain and exhaustion and fear for so long. my body hates me. it's difficult to view it as an source of pleasure. for myself or for another.

i don't know, i didn't have time to think about it properly before it happened.
or much time after either.
it was during one of those trials. on a train. he didn't do it to be romantic. just to escape.

[white_widow]

Yes. It would have been very, very easy.
Do you want to view it as a source of pleasure? Some people never want that, and that is okay.

And some people never want to be kissed, and that is also okay.
Is it something you have ever wanted, either in general or at the thought of anyone else?

[decohere]

how do you get that out of your head? or the awareness that the moment of distraction and vulnerability might end with your throat slit?

i want to be able to feel good, comfortable. in my own body, with somebody else.
and i want to experience that feeling of a proper first kiss. have it feel special. mean something.
maybe. but thinking about it too hard, the logistics. makes it all very unappealing.

[white_widow]

You find someone you trust. Not necessarily entirely and not necessarily in anything more than a physical sense. After that first time, when I wanted to explore something, I did so with someone I already knew, that I knew would not be so easy to kill, that I had reasonable evidence did not want to kill me, and that I knew also did not intend for it to become some til death type of relationship. It did not put it out of my head, exactly, but it made it easier to balance with what else was happening.
It is also easier to not focus on that thought if the sex is good. If it's bad, you're doomed.

Then you deserve to have that.
I do not know if I have had the type of proper first kiss you mean, but I think, the more the comfort comes, the more the logistics slip away.

[decohere]

i've thought before, maybe it'd be easier with somebody i did not know. no emotions to figure out or talk about. never see them again, so there's no messy aftermath. maybe if i wore my mask. didn't say anything. and then i just mentally remove myself from the whole scenario completely.

well i don't think he's interested in a redo.
honestly i can't trust myself not to bite anyone that tries to put their face in mine.

[white_widow]

You are describing exactly that first time I mentioned. Minus the mask, but obviously I did not give any real identifying information about myself.

So you would want to try kissing him specifically?
Lots of people like women who bite.

[decohere]

don't want them looking at me. apparently my face gives too much away.
there are plenty people here that i do not know. maybe i can pay one for their time and discretion.

i don't know. it happened. but not in an ideal way or circumstance. so my brain tries to correct on how it should have been done better.
... do you?

[white_widow]

I think there are other options available to you that you could exhaust before you turn to that particular one.

I understand that.
Yes.

[decohere]

all options rapidly fall apart upon further scrutiny. everything necessary it would take for me to feel comfortable and willing also makes it entirely unappealing and not worth the effort. everything i want contradicts how i want it.

but maybe ive thought it over more than i should.
... ah.

[white_widow]

You don't think obtaining what would make you feel comfortable and willing would also provide some pleasant feelings, that could make it worthwhile?
Sex aside, I found pleasure in becoming comfortable with the people around me touching me at all.

What does that 'ah' mean?

[decohere]

overthinking it and getting caught up in all the details and treating it as a mission objective undermines the overall goal of... loosening up a bit. i can't both be fully in control and also allow myself to let go for once.

i don't know.

[white_widow]

If I offer a what if or a hypothetical, is that too close to corrective actions?

Does it make you uncomfortable, now that you know that about me?